I am not the perfect father. Like many millennials, I struggle with defining my parenting style. The old school methods of blind obedience, don’t ask questions, and “because I said so”, often creep up in my repertoire, emerging from deep inside my parenting bag of tricks. What I’ve come to realize is that none of these are inherently wrong or evil, in fact, in the proper places they are necessary and effective, but the oversaturation of these methods could possibly be detrimental to a child’s emotional, spiritual, and even physical development.
I know what you’re thinking. “I was raised using those exact methods and I turned out fine. What’s the problem with me using the same methods? Wont I get the same results?” While understandable, I submit that this is a flawed way of thinking.
Take a trip down memory lane with me, the year is 1997. It’s summertime and the sun has just come up. I’m 8 years old. I jump out of bed, do my chores, eat my off brand lucky charms, and ask for permission to go outside. (of course, we asked for permission before doing anything) After permission is obtained, I grab my helmet, my bike, my basketball, my shoes, my skates, and anything else I’m going to need for the day, and I go outside. I don’t come back in until lunch, and them I’m back out until the streetlights come on. I drank out of water hoses and snacked on neighborhood fruit trees. We were outside all day, every day that we could be.
A lot of us grew up this same way. We were street rats, neighborhood dogs, and we thrived, but we would never let our children do the same now. Why? The easy answer…things have changed. Environmental changes, and access to the knowledge of those environmental changes, has affected the way we parent. The world has changed. Now there are more threats to our children than there was in 1997, and we now can see those threats every day in the palm of our hands. So we parent accordingly. We’ve developed a more watchful and more protective parenting style than we probably would have if we were parents in 1997. We’ve adjusted.
By now some of you may be thinking “Who are you to tell me my parenting style is flawed? What makes you an authority?”
I’m no authority. Like you, I’m a parent just trying to figure this parenting thing out. I’m a youth leader in the church and have been a children’s medical professional for the past 10 years. In those ten years I’ve seen more and more children come into the hospital diagnosed with self-harm and suicide attempts, some of which are ultimately successful. The cases are sad, and these kids are getting younger and younger. As a father, as a Christian, as a youth leader I think what’s changed, and what’s the catalyst for it?
It all boils down to environmental changes and access to the knowledge of those changes. Let’s face it, the world is a dangerous place. It’s adjusted to targeting your children with a fervor that wasn’t there back in 1997. Your children now have access to more information than they could ever need in the palm pf their hands. They’re discussing sexual and other mature topics at a much younger age. They’re getting fed, processed, sugary, harmful information from friends, television, social media, and ads all targeted to capture their hearts and minds. No longer does blind obedience, don’t ask questions, and “because I said so”, have a place at the forefront of our parenting. The barrier of the encyclopedia or dictionary doesn’t exist anymore. Your kids are going to get the information. They probably already have it.
I think to myself, Why do I parent this way? What is the motivating force behind it? If I’m being honest, the answer is kind of shameful. Most of the time, these responses come from situations where I’m too busy to answer a question, not feeling the need to explain myself to these kids, or I think these kids need to learn how to obey. It’s a selfish response based on my own need for control just for controls sake. In reality, I’m not controlling anything. I’m relinquishing control to the next medium where they’ll get the information apart from me, my care, and my loving oversight. The barrier of the encyclopedia or dictionary doesn’t exist anymore. Your kids are going to get the information. They probably already have it.
As parents our job is to shepherd information, not just repress it because it makes us uncomfortable and annoyed to give it. Instead of expecting blind obedience based on fear and control, try something else.
“Hey, I’m asking you not to do that and I know you have questions. I can answer those for you, but first let me tell you why it’s important that you don’t do it.”
Yes, this takes more time. Yes, it can be annoying at times. Yes, sometimes and for some age groups it isn’t warranted. Yes, it can lead to multitudes of questions you may or may not be equipped to answer. However, this method leads to more trust, clearer boundaries, a better definition of expectations, a deeper relationship with your child, and ultimately a more emotionally, spiritually, and physically developed child.
Kids grow up to be adults, and often times the challenges those adults face stem from the training they received. Our mandate from Proverbs is to train up a child in the way THEY should go. It has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with preparing them to face the world around them.
Questions?
1. What are some parenting styles that I need to adjust?
2. Am I controlling information in a way that best supports my child’s development?
